I’m feeling really anxious. I’ve had an amazing few days with F, and that was brilliant, and I have been making great steps forward in starting to think about the future. But it all went to shit last night. I have this aching hurt inside now and I just want it to stop.
It’s all quite complicated, and of course it isn’t just my feelings and wishes that have to be taken into account in all this. But I’m kind of fed up of taking steps forward and then circumstances or people or whatever knocking me back.
I know I’ve fucked my life up and I know I have nothing anymore. I just don’t know how to keep on going. I have to find somewhere to live, I have to find a new path for my life. I have to be able to cope with a normal adult load again. And I feel like a complete failure right now that I don’t have any of these things.
My most pressing problem is living arrangements. I love being here but this house really is too small for two grown adults plus F. So I need to figure that out. But without a job I don’t know what to do. And I don’t think I can cope with a full time job. I know I can’t. My doctor knows I can’t. So what do I do? I agreed with Granny that I’d find somewhere by June. How on earth do I do that?
One day I will have a haven for people like me. Somewhere people can come when they are in a storm and don’t have anywhere else to rest their heads. But in the meantime.….
Anyway. Ramble ramble ramble. This all got on top of me last night. And then this morning, we got upgraded to a Red weather warning. So then I had to fast track F onto a train to his Dad’s. And that was incredibly stressful and really sad. And I cried on the way home.
Then I slept for 3 hours, and now I’m tired again and sad and fed up and I don’t know what my next steps are. And I just wish there was someone there to pick me up and hold me and make everything ok again. I just want to feel safe.
It’s taking me so long to recover from everything that has happened to me. So long. And I feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m about to walk into the storm, and I don’t have any magic powers left to hold the waves back.
I was thinking about doing an art degree. But where, and with what funding, and is that really a sane and sensible idea? I am going to sound like a complete whinger here but I am so jealous of those who have partners and families and units. I am so fed up of existing on my own.
I feel lost and adrift and I’m heading right into the storm.
Comments