I’m dithering about posting this. But if you’re reading then I guess I bit the bullet and hit that button.
After a brilliant day yesterday, I got home about 5pm Ish. I met a friend you see! A girl at the art course, about the same age as me. She’s brilliant and lovely and we went to a library and it was just a fab day.
I wrapped all my thoughts and feelings up like a present, and messaged someone important to me to tell them all about it. I was utterly knackered, so I just messaged one person. Not the person I met! A different old friend.
But this person was busy, and didn’t seem very interested. They wanted to wait til today to talk about it but didn’t offer any explanation why. Which is fair enough, I’m not owed any explanation and maybe they were busy or whatever. It’s pretty unusual for this person to be out on a Friday night and not to tell me what they are up to.
And my fragile emotions just couldn’t take it. I know I still have such a long way to go to heal and I’m so tired of it. I broke down. I felt all the rejections of my childhood in it. It got completely overwhelming. And I cried and cried in bed. And then I kept waking up in the night and dwelling on it.
I feel so stupid. When I posted about my day, loads of other friends read about it and said nice things. And that should balance it out right? That’s what it does for normal people. And they would just tell me to focus on the good and ignore the bad. But how do these miracle people do that? The bad feels like it’s eating my insides out. How do they ignore that kind of pain? What am I doing wrong? Why am I such a bloody mess?
Why am I still lying here crying even when the person from last night apologised for ignoring me and told me they weren’t alone. (I guess they were on a date last night.)
Why do the rest of the world seem to get it and I just don’t?
I feel like such a failure at this thing called life.