But I feel mostly like a failure at life. I do. And I’ve been struggling with that. I feel trapped by my past but I want to feel my feelings because that was so suppressed in my childhood.
I was so scared so often. I remember the feeling in my body. Being on edge. Wondering if Vesuvius was going to erupt.
It hurts like a physical pain. Sometimes when I breathe in the breath bounces, like it does when you’ve been crying a lot. That happens if I think about me as a child.
Ans it’s hard not to think about childhood when you’re bringing up your own child. You look at your child and wonder how adults could ever have done the things they did to you. The mental and physical things.
I‘m really struggling to accept the past. I’m angry at those that let me and my siblings suffer.
I want the sea to wash away the pain.
I wrote a poem when I was a teenager. The only thing I’ve ever written like it. But the words have stayed with me always.
Tomorrow
Tomorrow, As the sun shines upon the sea,
So the moon shines upon my life.
It shows
My imperfections,
My flaws.
But most of all
My love,
My humanity,
My normality.
So look
As the moon
Looks on
My life.