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  • Writer's pictureKiri Self

You violated me you motherf*cker.

Updated: Mar 22, 2022

James Elvins. You. You hurt me. So much - I trusted you. And you knew how hard my trust was to bestow, how broken and damaged I’ve been by my trust being abused.


And you abused my trust. You took it and trampled on it. I trusted you. You were my friend. I told you things I’ve never told anyone else. And then you abandoned me and lied to me.


I never want to hear from you again.


What happened to me? Why am I sitting here (safe, in my friends spare room) my mind broken again? I know I look ok ish on the outside (although I can see the pain in my eyes when I look in the mirror) but inside my mind won’t stop going over what happened, and replaying my stupidly mistakenly given trust in my head.


James wasn’t my friend. It turns out he wanted me. He told me he was giving me a present, a couple of nights away in Plymouth, to celebrate my fortieth birthday. He’s been a friend for 24 years. I trusted him. We had tried a relationship a few years ago but it didn’t work out, and I thought we were past that. Apparently not.


The two bed place turned out to be a one bed place. The sofa he was supposed to sleep on didn’t come with bedding.


Briefly I felt safe with him. We sat there on Wednesday afternoon, and I let my guard down. Stupid me. The signs were there that I shouldn’t have trusted. The wife he said he was divorcing - perhaps not. She probably hasn’t moved out. Probably doesn’t live with her parents. I’m going to start demanding to see divorce papers in future.


We left to go for dinner and you slapped my arse on the way up the stairs. That was the first time I began to feel violated by you. You held my hand on they way to dinner. I didn’t know how to say no. I feel so hurt and lost inside thinking about this. It hurts right in my tummy, right where I hold all of the other violations of my body and my mind and my emotions.


You wanted to share the bed with me. You said the flat was too cold. I really really didn’t want that. The only person in the world that I could possibly feel safe with in my bed at night would be M. Not you. Never you.


When I went to bed that night I was so scared you would try and get in bed with me, I left plugs in the floor so if you tried anything you would step on them.


On Thursday morning we went for late breakfast and a walk. I made it clear I am in no possible way looking for any kind of relationship right now. And you were a bit off about that. That raised my hackles.


I asked you to stop slapping my arse. Every time you did it I felt violated.


We watched a film together and suddenly you started texting away. You got really tense. You said you had a dodgy stomach and you thought it was covid, and you should go back home. You left. You left me alone in a strange flat in Plymouth, and I felt abandoned. Scared. Alone.


Thank fuck I had M to call and cry at. We aren’t in a relationship, but he knows what being a true friend means. He was there for me, he kept checking on me to make sure I was safe.


What kind of fucked up person takes someone so vulnerable and leaves them alone like that??? I thought at the time that it was because I made it clear I didn’t want anything more than friendship.


I was absolutely terrified, all alone. I had to ward off two anxiety attacks with medication. I wondered if I would wake up in the night to someone having broken in to tie me up and rape me. That’s what was running through my head all night. I was so so scared.


We spoke on the phone in the morning. And there it was. You told me that you wife was at your house when you got home. So there we have it. You aren’t separated. You thought I could be a bit on the side.


YOU KNEW ABOUT DAVID. YOU KNEW EVERYTHING. YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHAT BEING ANOTHER BIT ON THE SIDE WOULD DO TO ME. YOU KNOW IT WOULD ACTUALLY KILL ME.


And you left a recovering alcoholic on her own in a very vulnerable way. What an absolute shit you are.


I am now blocking you. Please never ever contact me again.


And just to make it clear to everyone, I am not looking for a relationship. Please don’t pretend to be my friend and then leave me when I make this clear. Please just stay the fuck at home if all you want from me is more than I can give.


My Magnificent Seven told me I trust too easily. This is clearly true. I am going to run all future scenarios by them first. So you don’t just have to get by me, you have to get by them. And trust me they are cynical as it comes. You won’t fool them so easily.


I feel so so violated. Apart from you touching my arse and holding my hand, nothing physical happened. But I feel violated all the same. It’s not ok to touch someone when they don’t want it. And I made my feelings perfectly clear.


I hope you rot in hell you lying cheating motherfucker.

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